How To Annoy Wiccans
| 1. Preach to them about the "True Religion". 2. Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back. 3. Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad. 4. Be considerate. Arrange their Altar so it looks neater. 5. Clean their "tools." 6. Untie the knots in their cords. 7. If they mention Magick, ask them to explain... you never understood that dumb card game... 8. Step into that drawn circle and ask them what their doing. 9. Sharpen that dull knife of theirs. 10. Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch. 11. Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched. 12. Put on your best Judy Garland voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?" 13. Throw water on them and expect them to melt. 14. Explain how adding "an it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is. 15. Lend them a copy of Liber OZ. 16. Take them to a Catholic mass or, better yet, a fundamentalist revival meeting. 17. Turn their pentagrams upside down. 18. Recite good poetry during ritual -- backwards. 19. Cast that circle counter-clockwise. 20. Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation. 21. Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it?... oh yeah, "The Craft!" 22. When they start talking about "the Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch. 23. See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say, Tarot. Then ask them why they know. 24. Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree rites they've been through. Ask them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic Celtic tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "an' it harm none" bit. 25. Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices. 26. Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess. 27. Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree. 28. Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bare a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals. 29. Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to wake you when the sex starts... 30. Edit their book of shadows, inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible. 31. Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a good book on Wicca. 32. When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves. 33. Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad'; 34. Remind them the moon has four phases, not three; 35. Men - wear amber and jet. 36. Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune. 37. Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'. 38. Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having their brain shut down. 39. Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during the five fold kiss. 40. Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying Hermeticists... 41. Ask "You're not going to turn me into a frog are you?" 42. Put fire wood around the maypole. 43. When they tell you they're a Wiccan, nod and say, "Oh, ok, so you worship Satan, right?" When they get upset and try to explain that they're not Satanists, they're Wiccans, say, "Did Satan tell you to say that?" As they get more upset, ask them if they're going to sic their Satanist friends on you. 44. When they paint their nails, ask if them if they are tuning Goth. When they say no, ask them if their goddess likes them to be pretty. 45. Hide their Athame, and then when they ask you, tell them that "Santa, the Dyslexic Demon" told you to steal it. Later Explain that "Santa, the Dyslexic Demon" is really Satan. 46. During ritual stand up and scream, "The Devil, I see the devil! You brought him here!!" Then start laughing as they look around. 47. Ask if they fly on their brooms. If they say no, accuse them of not being "true" witchs. 48. Ask them to do anything you've seen on "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch." 49. Tell them to "Be gone, before somebody drops a house on you." 50. When asked how you enter the circle answer "With perfect love and perfect lust." 51. Carry a copy of LaVey's book The Satanic Witch around with you and watch the fun happen! 52. Ask them to do a love spell for you. 53. Ask them if you can borrow their book of shadows for new material for your stand-up comedy act. 54. Ask if they could tell you what really happened to Elvis. 55. Ask them if Wicca will save their souls and go to heaven. 56. Ask them if they like it hot cause they are going to hell and it's HOT down there! 57. Ask a difficult-to-know question and, when they cannot answer, say "I thought you witches were psychic or something!" 58. Tell them that the Horned God is really Satan. 59. If they are wearing a pentagram, start asking about what it's like to be Jewish |
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